This is a story about Lindsay Lohan and seven misdemeanors. After getting off of more serious cocaine charges, Lohan was charged with seven misdemeanors, including two counts of DUI. TMZ reports why the D.A. didn’t file felony cocaine charges:

The D.A. always looks at the person and the circumstances. In Lohan’s case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age — 21 — and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable — also worked in her favor.

Looks like being in a dysfunctional family, getting caught with cocaine multiple times within a short period of time, and entering rehab each time helps. What separate Lohan from other cocaine users is rehabbing at a resort. The key to getting off felony charge in L.A. is rehab and being a celebrity, that last part I added, because that’s the real secret my friends.

Hayden Panettiere is the new Got Milk celebrity sporting a milk mustache. Somehow the glass of milk she is holding explodes, not sure why, but it might have something to do with she show Heroes. I bet after looking at the poster your thinking of another kind of white liquid substance that you can personally make for her, well I’m here to tell you you have a dirty mind.

Bridget Moynahan and New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady welcomes a healthy new baby boy. Tom skipped practice and left early this morning to see his first child. Moynahan’s publicist says, “mother and baby are doing well.”

Congratulations to Bridget and Tom.

In a bizarre decision, Britney Spears, turned down recording a duet with Justin Timberlake at the last minute. The recording was to be produced by Timbaland, who had written it specifically for her. Page Six says:

Timbaland set aside a week out of his crazy schedule to do this – and then, just before she was supposed to fly out, Britney abruptly canceled the session and refused to do the song.

She’s looking for a comeback, and this would have not only been a huge hit, but something she could have opened the MTV Video Awards with and really blown everyone away.

Another insider says:

Listen, everyone is worried. In her mind, her album is done and she’s done enough work . . . She’s an easy target right now, because she’s . . . sick. People like her are sick. It’s like an anorexic who’s sick in the head and needs help. She needs help. It’s sad because what she’s got – and we’ve heard it’s like bipolar disorder – can easily be treated with medication, but she won’t do it.

Britney must really be a few brain cells short of being a moron. Even a moron would be smart enough to see a guarantee mega hit and jump at the opportunity, but no, this is Britney we’re talking about, the one who’s got two fail marriage and two children who’s better off being raised by monkeys. Stay tune for the VMAs on Sept. 9, 2007, you might witness the end of Britney’s singing career live.

Somehow Lindsay Lohan got herself out of being charged with cocaine possession. TMZ writes:

We’re told charges may be filed tomorrow, and the D.A. is leaning toward rejecting three possible felonies. Sources say the D.A. almost certainly will not file cocaine charges in connection with her DUI bust Memorial Day weekend in Beverly Hills.

As for her July 24 arrest in Santa Monica, the D.A. could charge her with felony cocaine possession, and bringing cocaine into a correctional facility — also a felony. But we’re told that the D.A. is inclined not to file those felony charges either.

I guess it would look a little too suspicious if the D.A. didn’t file anything against Lindsay. I bet if she went to the police station snorting some cocaine, the police would just tell her to go to the bathroom so no one would see her sucking up cocaine with her nose. Then again I could be all wrong and the reason for all this leniency is because the D.A. knows how much suffering she’s already having rehabbing in Utah.

Beyonce experience an wardrobe malfunction during a concert in Toronto. While performing Deja Vu her dress opened and exposed her breast, like a true professional she just held her dress together and continue with her dancing. If you expect to see some viewable breast, I’m sorry to tell you, you won’t unless you have some super vision to see through the blurry video.

Either Beyonce is really having a bad tour or she’s planning all this. First there was the fall off the stage at another concert, now her dress malfunction. Wonder if she hired the same person who dress Janet Jackson for the Suber Bowl halftime show.

Hayden Panettiere turns 18 today, which mean she is now legal and all you dirty bastards can now legally fantasize about doing all those freaky things to her except giving her an alcoholic beverage. Now you don’t have to look behind, when your looking at her playful tongue.

Kevin Federline

Some how Kevin Federline got the people behind CW’s One Tree Hill to hire him for the show. K-Fed will play Jason, a cocky, enigmatic frontman for the fictional band, No Means Yes. Mark Schwahn, the creator of the show, tells People:

He really seemed like a sweet guy and I just felt that he would be great in that. People will say this smells of stunt casting because of Federline’s really high public persona right now. I have to honestly say he was a good fit for the character. I don’t know anything about the kid but he seemed very sweet and very sincere about working hard and embracing the opportunity. It’s just about being good in the role.

Of course it’s all a publicity stunt, what better way to get your show on the pages of magazines and website than to hire the guy who has subpoena a few of Britney Spears closes followers just to get more money from Britney.

Michael Vick the Atlanta Falcons quarterback and all around asshole dog killer agreed to plead guilty to federal conspiracy charges next Monday. Michael face a possible five years prison term and a fine of $250,000 when he is sentence next week. Vick’s attorney Billy Martin issue the following statement:

After consulting with his family over the weekend, Michael Vick asks that I announce today that he has reached an agreement with federal prosecutors regarding the charges pending against him. Mr. Vick has agreed to enter a plea of guilty to those charges and to accept full responsibility for his action and the mistakes he has made. Michael wishes to apologize again to everyone who has been hurt by this matter.

The reason for pleading is to avoid more serious federal charges that would most likely result after the grand jury convene next week. Two of Vick’s partners in the illegal dogfighting ring have said he helped kill dogs that didn’t fight well at his property in Virginia.

It’s time to send this dog killer to prison. If we were able to send Paris Hilton to jail for 20 or so days we should send Vick to prison for five years. And because the NFL is all about money, Vick will still have a job to go to even if it’s with another team. An NFL general manager had the following to say:

Teams may say one thing publicly. But if he gets out of jail, we’ll all be looking at Vick hard. We’re all whores in football. You know the saying. We’d sign an ax murderer if he has ability. He’ll be back. He won’t be back in Atlanta probably but he’ll be back in professional football. You can count on it.

Got to love the NFL, the place that hires people based totally on talent. I bet the NFL would still have hired O.J. Simpson back after that double killing trial he was involved in, if he wasn’t old.

Jessica Biel needs to watch out, Page Six is reporting that her new man, Justin Timberlake, was spotted at an HBO party chatting it up with a bronze-skinned long haired brunette on the roof top of Tribeca Grand.

“They were obviously into each other,” said the spy. “It was just the two of them . . . he had no entourage at all.” Another source dished to us, “He is notorious. He will [bleep] anything.” A rep for Timberlake said, “I have no comment on his personal life.”

Most likely Justin isn’t cheating, but trying to get a threesome going. Just bring another Sexy Back to his bed. He knows Jessica would break him in two if he ever thought about straying.

Jessica Simpson has found the best excuse to get a nose job, while filming her newest movie, Major Movie Star, she purposely accidentally hit herself in the face with a gun and broke her nose. Jessica explains:

I was running with a gun over my head and fell over and broke my nose, it really hurt!

I can just imagine her holding a gun over her head while running with high heels then realizing this would be the best time to get a better nose like her sister Ashlee Simpson. Wonder which new nose style she’s going to pick?

In other Jessica news, she has denied rumors about her adopting a Mexican orphan.

Britney Spears did a photo shoot back in April 25 with Allure magazine and you would expect a totally different result than these. Either there is a Britney twin out there or they did some heavy duty airbrushing, I’m gonna go on the limb here and say airbrush. Does Allure really think their readers are going to be fool and think this is what she really look like.

If you believe what the National Enquirer is saying then Halle Berry is two months pregnant with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry’s child. A source tells the National Enquirer:

Halle is so happy right now. She’s wanted a baby for so long. But at the same time she’s scared because she is very aware of the complications that having diabetes can cause during pregnancy. She’s doing everything possible to make sure her baby is born healthy.

This would be more believable if it was coming from someone other than the Enquirer.

Not really sure what Anne Hathaway is doing to her boyfriend, but it sure looks like she’s giving him some good head. Just look at the satisfying expression on his face. She must be so use to people with cameras that she totally forgot about all the paparazzi around her.

After a lackluster try at acting and singing, Paris Hilton has gone back to appearing at parties to make money. If you thought $100,000 for last year’s New Year’s Eve appearance was highway robbery, you will be mistaken, this year Paris is looking to get half a million for about a couple minutes of work. A Las Vegas insider tells Page Six:

Paris and [sister] Nicky are shopping their partying ways to Vegas at the price of around $500,000 – only they have the guts to ask for that amount – for a multiple-day New Year’s Eve bash. Paris will ‘party’ at a few spots and Nicky will bless the lucky host with a fashion show of her wares and model herself. [Only Pure] may be coming all the way up to the asking price, although [the Hiltons] are so desperate now, they should be paying the clubs for good p.r., not the other way around.

Guess this time around Paris has that halfway house she said she was going to built for her fellow inmates. To any club owner who is thinking of wasting $500,000 to get Paris Hilton to their party your better off just stuffing balloons with thousands of dollars and at midnight dropping it onto the crowd or better yet instead of having toilet paper in the bathrooms have stacks of dollar bills for them to wipe their ass with.